I find myself navigating more and more to the balconies of LA. No matter where you are, you can look and find an apartment adorned with a patio or porch. That’s one thing that reminds me of home. I spent so many of my years on the porch of my great grandmothers’ home. I can recall the changes built around it, when there were two small houses next door, that now rest an empty lot. Before and after the remodel, or before it became the property of my grandmother. Back when my great great grandma chuck was still there, memories of after school pickups, soap opera watching and badminton playing.
It is easy to sit on the porch and be filled with all the warmth of home. But there is also this presence of guilt I feel oh so far away. Before I left home I wanted to be unstoppable. So much so that I prayed that nothing would get in the way of my departure. I remember having dreams that my family would experience a detrimental moment and I prayed that should anything occur, God just let it happen after I’ve left.
There is no preparation for homesickness. It comes unprecedented and you can’t place a barometer around those feelings until you actually feel them. Homesick feels like fear and anxiety. Like a void of emptiness, loneliness.
Soon after I got to LA I learned of the power in that prayer. My great grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer, a great aunt of mine with skin cancer, and my great uncle passed as well. Up until this point I was walking the streets of LA with just the small guilt of being far removed from the everyday life of my immediate family, but this happenstance magnified that experience for me. I didn’t even think there would be a response that would allow me to assuage the entirety of that burden of guilt.
I’m grateful for every aspect of my journey in LA. Primarily because I stand firmly knowing that I made the very best decision for my life. I can hardly believe all the things I have been able to accomplish. Like, I have literally worked in the business (that’s what they call it out here) every week since I’ve landed. I have been a PA on different lots and sets all over Los Angeles. I secured full time employment and I continue to meet incredible, like minded people who are both showing and telling of what feels like the best season of my life. Although I miss home, I no longer walk the streets feeling displaced or burdened. I walk with my chin held high, I’m a king and LA aint got nothing on me.