So, sorry; not sorry .

And if I wanted hell; I’d go back to my ex.. That’s one of my favorite lyrics to “I’ve been waiting,” by CourtneyB. Probably because it’s so completely true. But, if I’m being one hundred percent honest with myself, there are times (rare occasions) when someone I’ve dealt with, or talked to before, comes to mind. I think about the experience,  ponder what went wrong, and absolutely assess how its shaped me. Yet, out of less than a palmful of potential suitors, I want zero of them back, especially my ex.

As of late, my ex boyfriend has been blowing me up! I mean hitting me up like a crack head with an itch that needs scratching, all hours of the night. All in an effort to have sex with me. Period. I was flattered when it started. We haven’t spoken in upwards of six months to a year. We had a few transitions that never ended well. There was a lot of blocking, deleting, and ignoring; so that first text left me awestricken. I knew that I was over him, but it kind of jilted my emotions and I was intrigued with his ambition to conquest me. Thats the attention seeking aspect of my personality that I’m still dealing with, so y’all continue to pray for me. But, the more he hit me up the more rooted I stood in who I am today, and what I choose to accept, or be apart of.

I’ve been celibate for what feels like forever now (but who’s counting?). It is allowing me to see more of who I am and the strength that I already possess; spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Surprisingly enough, knowing me. With each attempt to bate me, in every attempt to be swayed, I’ve held my own. Don’t get me wrong. The allure of intimacy and physical connection is all too enticing. Of course I long to be held, to kiss, to touch; and to date. I want a sense of companionship and a partner to hangout with, it’s just not with him. I am so fortunate to have that confirmation.

This game of tug of war these past two weeks has revealed a few thing from our exchanges:

1. Being horny isn’t enough reason for me to have sex with anyone. Especially an ex.

2. Let you ex be your ex, and for good reason! Because no matter how much he calls, how much he’s changed, or how badly he may desire you and/or your body, you are not with him for a reason. He wasn’t that into you when you were together and truth be told he still isn’t.

3. Your sex is valuable so be mindful of who you share it with, 9 times out of 10 your ex aint worth it.

4. You deserve to be with the person who wants to be with you bad enough to actually be with you. 

Self worth is invaluable and at the end of the day there is nothing wrong with being a sexual person, or owning your own sexuality, but with part of that ownership comes a responsibility and that’s something we can’t afford to lose sight of. I think temptation is probably just as consistent as change in life and there is nothing wrong with taking time to sit with yourself before making a decision. Yea, I have learned that I have enough will power not to have sex with my ex boyfriend now, but I had to think about it, because its crossed my mind over and over again since I started hearing from him. But that illusion was quickly dismissed from the vision I have for myself. I’ve declined his offer to engage over and over, and over again.

I was in Target earlier this week, shopping for candles and birthday cards. Would you believe that I found a candle that smells exactly like my ex? I did. And, I sat in the aisle for a moment and contemplated not only if I wanted to buy the candle, but if I should just give in and have sex with this man. It’s a smell I’ll never forget. The whole time I was with him it felt like a deep comfort, his smell, something I’ve never scented before and I have never really known what it was, or why he smells that way.  I have had flashes of his scent throughout the years, and it has always brought me back to him. The rush of the comfort I found in so many old memories.

I bought the candle and I let the warmth of its burn fill my bedroom with his scent. In doing so, I have learned that I have no connection or tie to him. I can’t find any longing-ness or desire to have sex with him. So much of who I was in a relationship was filled with his smell. A scent that is as clean as it is fresh. Whole bodied tones, fragrant and long lasting. Burning my candle taught me that I still love this smell, but it doesn’t belong to him. Honestly. It’s just Coastal Linen, a green scented signature soy candle from target.